DivaSparkles... RE-ACTIVATE!

BINGO!!!! You get your wish! ~DIVASPARKLE RANT~

2009-10-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

lol fuck you, Bingo!

I'll post this because I love to be a comics pariah and to testify in front of ~*GOD AND EVERYONE*~. It's so real. So fierce. So Catholic.

So here it is:

X-Men comics fucking SUCK. They DO! And not inherently or anything -- they do by choice. Or, rather, the choice of authors. Who in God's sweet nectarine name can screw up such an UN-SCREWABLE FRANCHISE so badly? Matt Fraction, Mike Carey, Duane Swiercynzski, and Peter David -- that's who.

Aw, fuck that. It's not their fault. Blame Joe Quesada, Axel Alonso, Nick Lowe, and any other disgusting cheesy chod (no, not the Starjammer) that infects syphilis into this line of comics.

The problem comes into two pitfalls:

- The EGO
- The cumdumpster

Two IMPORTANT archetypes (thankfully, for us, Matt Fraction is both the ego and the cumdumpster) that define this fucking line. And it kills it.

Peter David is the EGO. He is such a Dreamboat CC-esque prima donna and believes his tenure entitles him to elegant alleluias to the Heavens. Alleluia is Christian, ps. FO, PAD. PAD thinks he just gets it, and while he does at times (cuz early post M-Day X-Factor was AMAZING) he's not some magical force that shits down Dorothy Gale's Yellow Brick Road to Oz.

PAD is a CC with a limited canon: Jamie Madrox. He is so desperate to make that shit happen, even though that shit's stock has sunk like AIG. Plus he has that fucking writing tic of having scenes transist between characters... you know what I mean? It's like...

Char 1, Scene 1: "I dunno. Right now! I'm gonna explode! It's like my head is about to go..."

Char 2, Scene 2: "... BOOOOM! Ha, I scared you Chelsie! ROFL!"

Y'know. Shit like that. Cute for a hot few issues, then like, OK NEW DEVICE PLZ. You're not a wordsmith because you can pun it out all day.

~

Mike Carey is the cumdumpster. He's a repository for a lot of bullshit fanwank and then tries to thread it together while everyone suddenly becomes desperate to go to the LIBRARY (like, rly, who does anymore? Carey is such an Arts advocate) to borrow a copy of War and Peace.

Y'know those bitches in your life that should start with a wooden block puzzle of the United States (even those just grouped into 5 pieces by region) but instead try to build the 3D PUZZLE OF THE ANGKOR WAT? That is Mike Carey.

THIS BITCH referenced Petra and Sway! He will throw any shit out in hopes it will stick and build his "cred" with the "nerds." ANYTHING. This is the consummate "cumdumpster." ContinuityWonkage blows.

~

MATT FRACTION is an elegant concoction of both: The Egotistical Cumdumpster. Now, in some circles, we call these "Guidos" (ugh, so trashyhot, ps). However, Matt Fraction is a fucking hipster, so he is not trashyhot.

Fraction thinks he's so fucking META and INTELLECTUAL (I am pleased he took a class on environmental justice for his undergraduate Communications degree), so he has an EGO. He is so fresh and SO clean and SO revolutionary, and, like, bullshit. Fraction reads like one of those trustfund babies ("Screw you, mom and dad! I'm not going to Yale on legacy! Fuck that I'm writing COMICS!") who willingly chooses to live in a shitty apartment, ride a shitty fixed-gear bike, eat shitty food (it's fucking CARBON NEUTRAL, MAAAAAAAN!) even when he could choose to lampoon me with a custom made spear out of the bones of Indonesian infants and solid Platinum. Gross.

But he's also a CUMDUMPSTER. Fraction thinks if he infuses his 1974 stoner mindset to the X-Men + couple it with RANDOM CAMEOS FROM EVERYONE!!! = PROFIT!!! No. LIE.

Part of fandom is enjoying sacred cows getting crushed. People LOVE Morrison because he LOLBANNED Jean Grey and made Emma Frost kick that bitch in the vag. People kinda LOVE Brubaker (at least I do) for puting that SPACE HOOKER RACHEL GREY BACK INTO SPACE BECAUSE SHE IS WORTHLESS. People loved Claremont for trolling me with New Excalibur DykeDazzler. Circle. of. life.

But Fraction wants to mamby-pamby everyone ("find the peeeeace, man! smoke a j, and let's talk about the EVIL of CAPITALISM which, like, pays me and shit!") and it's sick pandering. SICK. People know when they're being played. Except straight dudes, because they're fucking stupid. Which accounts for those that say "Uncanny is good!" No woman or gay man argues this point. Find me one.

~

POINT IS, the X-Books suck, and it's because of ego and cumdumpster fanwank. I guess part and parcel of it is fucking CIRCLE JERK CHEST BEATING STRAIGHT BREEDER UGH but that's another point for another day and I've given my thoughts on sexism before.

Fucking learn to write, assholes. I like CC more than you, because even if bitch is crazy and into S&M, at least he only involves 8 characters and I get to LOL at all the ways Storm is pwnt.

FUCKING LEARN.

Oh, and, Fraction? Please ban "As you wish" from your vocab -- but only AFTER you say it aloud in agreeance with my constructive criticisms in an effort to amend your hipster work.

Peter David is Elegant.

2009-03-01T08:57:00.001-08:00

Did you ever hear of "Scans Daily"?

I had. Peter David -- writer of (ugh~! FIE!) LONGSHOT!!!! -- had not. An old man that bitches about the evils of the Internet acknowledges he didn't know about a part of it. Color me seven shades of dazzled.

Oh, PAD. You put the "ass" in "class." Your glamor shines down from the heavens, basking the shrinking, male-centric comic world in your divine, heavenly light. I feel a slight tingle every time you abuse your keyboard, driving your special brand of back-handed snark gently blended with sweet reveries of my eternal Catholic guilt. There is no cross too small upon which you can crucify yourself, whining about the terrible, God-awful, tragic force of the Internet.

I care not about the demise of Scans Daily. Scans Daily was way too much for me to ever process. There were like, a billion links and comments and all sorts of shit that made it all so confusing for my simple mind. And they'd talk about comics, like, for srs. Was Lois London ever featured on Scans Daily? I dunno; if she was then this would be a crime of the highest order, but truly? I care not, for I am not invested. Blind eye and all that.

But what I care more about is Peter David's special brand of egotistical "O' WOE AM I! THE OPPRESSED (you just know he would make the "ed" it's own syllable in over-dramatic fashion) ARTISTE!" disguised as a "very serious debate" about the "very serious matter" of copyright infringement!!!!11!

Nah, it's not about copyright. It's about PAD wanting to use whatever argument he can find to make sure everyone understands his greatness. Silence the criticisms! Silence! Everyone is just so critical! Internet fans are terrible! Internet fans are destroying sales on my books! Internet fans destroy the magic!

Yeah, and the fucking Nintendo DS, cell phones, PDAs, blackberries, and iPods also have destroyed the magic and wonder of community events, family game nights, children frolicking through the forests, and dinners 'round the dining room table, too. The Net is here, it's queer, get used to it, PAD. I'm sure somewhere on the vile internet you can find "fan art" of the Multiple Man gang-banging Siryn, too. DID YOU KNOW? ALERT THE LEGAL TEAMS!

So now the discussion has warped into "Copyright Infringement" and PAD's "I didn't do anything! Oh, fine! Make me a scapegoat." Put a pie in it, PAD.

Let's look at PAD's history of elegance about how Internet fans DESTROY HIS GREATNESS!:

--- On "Detailed, wonky summaries RUINING THE JOY! instead of basically being tl;dr":

Because every single reader deserves to enjoy the story in the way it's intended.

You don't understand: This has far less to do with sales than it does with simple enjoyment.

Let me put it to you another way:

Did someone ever ask you to tell them about something that happened to someone else, and you demurred by saying, "It's not my story to tell."

X-Factor #39, 40, 41...it's not your story to tell. It's your story to enjoy. That's what your money buys you. It's your story to enjoy. Every one of those few hundred or few thousand, it's their story to enjoy.

It's MY story to tell. And, no offense, but the odds are spectacular that I'm going to tell it better than you will, because that's what I'm paid to do. So I would really, really like everyone who pays their hard-earned money to get their money's worth through a story told to the best of MY ability, not to the best of the ability of a guy signing himself Skippy123. Because I think that anyone who buys comics these days deserves the best I have to offer.

And if someone has a problem with that--if you think it elitist or snotty or benighted or what have you--I totally understand. Me...I just think it's simple, common courtesy.

PAD

--- On "Detailed, wonky summaries (all text) now being a BREACH OF COPYRIGHT!!!1":

That's as may be. But it was also a site where people said, "This happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and oh my God, this happened at the end," complete with reproduction of same that were far in excess of fair use.

That's not a review.

--- An engaging tete-a-tete in which someone criticizing PAD on the internet is JUST RUDE!!! Teardrops!:

Random Commenter: "Which is really unfortunate. As others have noted, that community has mostly been a place to celebrate and discuss comics, including your own (dear lord, but they love YOUNG JUSTICE)"

Elegant PAD: That's interesting. The only person who spoke to me about YJ was a woman who couldn't say enough nasty things about it, and repeatedly stated that it was proof that I was dismissive of teenagers and knew nothing about them. She also said the addition of the girls was merely an afterthought and that my treatment of the boys never rose above the level of Beavis and Butthead.

Perhaps I wandered into the bizarre Scans community.

PAD

--- On "Internet critics ruining his art by misrepresenting its inherent greatness!"

The thing that's really killing [writers and the comic industry] are biased and inaccurate summaries that make the stories sound as unappealing as possible. There are times where I literally don't recognize the story I wrote. And fans then treat such crappy summaries as if they're accurate and render judgment on the issue without having read a single panel.

--- And now, the goup de grace: "I DID NO WRONG! But fine! PERSECUTE ME!" Lolz!!!!:

Well, again, I think the fans who posted links to [Scans Daily] on other websites had far more to do with it [being shut down]. But I've little doubt I'll take the hit regardless of the reality.

~!~!~!~!~!END OF PAD'S ELEGANT QUOTES~!

CONCLUSIONS: Peter David is little more than someone with an ego as quick to bruise as a rotten apple. Climbing upon his mighty cross, PAD speaks for the "unspoken masses" (translation: imaginary persons) whom he defends from the horrors that are detailed summaries, random page scans, and harsh!!! internet critics that "kill [him] with biased and inaccurate summaries". LOL! OH MY SPLEEN!

But instead of calling him to task on his bullshit, people are feeding into his martyr-complex with formalities such as "Mr. David, please understand..." or "I would really like to convey..." or "Perchance I may be allowed the privilege of sniffing your ass to acquire a gentle, elegant high from thine Holy fumes."

Just as PAD the Elegant wants to cry on about the intolerable cruelty of Internet critics STEALING HIS WORK and MIS-REPRESENTING HIS STORIES or RUINING THEM FOR THE VAST IMAGINARY POPULACE OF INTERNET POSTERS WHO DO NOT WANT ANY DETAILS ABOUT AN ISSUE OF A SERIAL COMIC, said "Internet Critics" should flip the deck and cry on about the intolerable cruelty of Peter David being a massive, petulant blowhard who cannot grasp the fundamentals of the Internet age.

That's what this is about. Not copyright.

Peter David is Elegant. And adding Longshot to X-Factor was brilliant. No, really. I enjoyed it just as you intended me to: by droppin' yo damn book.

Thank God for Artists

2009-02-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

I have returned! Since it is glorious Fat Tuesday, my new Lenten vow is to post some damn more. And since Uncanny X-Men wishes to become my new enemy, it's time to DivaSparkle! this hot freakin' mess.

OBSERVE THE IMAGE!

"Thank God for Artists." I have edited this image to exemplify exactly how Uncanny X-Men truly is, because this cover as-is -- including Dazzler and Pixie -- simply does not reflect the truth.

Short point: Matt Fraction can't write female characters for beans, and more to this short point, he seems as though he has no interest in doing so. So what does Marvel do with their one comic property that is well known for its women? Why insert them into random covers and promo art, of course!

Fuck that. Fuck it, fuck it hard, fuck it raw, and fuck it until it begs for you to stop the pain.

Uncanny X-Men has been nothing more than a circle-jerk male fantasy escape, wherein the biggest concern for the women is "OMG DOES CYCLOPS WANT TO BANG ME?! CIRCLE ONE: Y/N!!!" We get it, Marvel. The one-eyed monster known as Cyclops (FREUD!) is the king of his domain (SEINFELD!) and rules all the X-Concubines beneath him (COMICS!). Can we stop with this fuckery yet, or must we constantly get the fan-teases of all the beautiful X-Women on the X-Plantation that "someday they'll do something relevant!" while all we get is the constant Emma Frost/Cyclops babymama drama?

I'm at the brink with this. The X-Franchise was built upon "Claremazons" -- the "supra-powerful woman" -- and that's where its popularity lies. But NuMarvel has since decided that the true way of the future (and sales!) is letting all pimply-faced boys in their parents' basements understand:

- If you ever feel as though you are a hideous cat-like freak of nature, you will be an invaluable asset and be included in every decision-making process because of your superior intellect (BEAST).

- If you are acquaintances with a 'roided-up Slavic muscle queen, you have no worries: he will be too busy banging underage "good Jewish girls" while saving nubile blond women from horrible sexual exploitation (irony, thy name is COLOSSUS). And if you are said 'roid-queen? Then you score that hot, dirty, risque poon-pie.

- If you are a handicapped dork with a teenaged nickname like "Slim" you will one day become the premier tactical mind of your peers, proving to be an invaluable asset, and make all busty women silently sitting in the background follow your every command (CYCLOPS).

- If you have a wealthy, attractive, successful friend, he will never use his means of finances to take advantage of you or use it to score hot chicks. No. He's content being your neverending ATM, as he allows you to use him for his vast wealth (ANGEL).

- If you know a strong, successful woman who founded many of her own institutions and once had her own legion of followers, you will one day tame her as her personality slowly gravitates exclusively around your own orbit as she simultaneously wears less and less clothing (EMMA FROST).

- If you know a strong, successful, independent woman who did not get sucked in as the example above, that bitch will just sit in the background and wait for your divine hand to instruct her (STORM, DAZZLER, KARMA, ANYONE ELSE).

Capice?

Uncanny has rather quickly devolved into everything stereotypically wrong with comics on a gender scale. It's annoying, it's juvenile, it's without any redeeming entertainment and merit. Women no longer exist in the universe of Uncanny X-Men, unless they are the fawning playthings of the nerdy male fantasy ideal.

Unless an artist draws them in in a promo piece doing something important.

Thank God for artists. At least they try.

OMG! Dazzler in the WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN CARTOON!

2008-09-01T21:08:00.001-07:00

Look, bitches!

There's a scene in the Wolverine and the X-Men Cartoon aboard a ship. In a different shot, you can clearly see Pixie standing next to a hott blonde in earmuffs.

Closer face-shot?

BAM! DAZZLER!

That's right, y'all! And the episode ends with Mojo and Spiral appearing.

Give me some DISCO FABULOUS Craig & Kyle!

Sarah Palin: America's Greatest New Internet Meme!

2008-08-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin, as envisioned by Dreamboat CC.

Hear me out, HATERZ! I can't help that I'm in lust with Sarah Palin, but now she's an Internets meme phenomenon! Total lulz.

Some examples of Little Known Facts about Sarah Palin:

"Sarah Palin is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
"There is no 'ctrl' button on Sarah Palin's computer. Sarah Palin is always in control."
"Sarah Palin once won a competitive eating contest by devouring three live caribou."

It's on Twitter if you want to make your own Little Known Facts. Just preface your entry with "Little known fact:" and then your fact and it'll post there. Twitter is totally gay, but I just LOLOL reading these.

Memes rock. Experience it before it's hella old.

Goddess Kylie returning to N. America?

2008-08-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

Now that Kylie has confirmed South American tour dates for her smash hit X2008 concert via her official website, the Kylie forums are abuzz that the beloved pop diva will be gracing North America again.

The USA/Canada Ticketmaster website recently created a placeholder for Kylie X2008. Which is as good a sign as any that Kylie will be bringing one of her concerts over to North America FINALLY! How is it a good sign? Well--Ticketmaster won't, generally, put up a placeholder for a tour if it's not intended on coming to the US/Canada. They didn't for her Showgirl or Homecoming tours. So... A & B would naturally lead to C! :D

There's also been some news on Kylie planning to wipe the slate clean in regards to her USA promo stint and give it a total rework with "The One." Word is that homegirl 'aint playin' games anymore. I will post about this later--and then wax poetic about the song...which is one of my ABSOLUTE favorite Kylie tracks in existence.

**image courtesy of Ellecktrika, the Queen Bee when it comes to Kylie media & info

AHHH!!! It IS Sarah PALIN!!!

2008-08-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

I couldn't review last night because I was too excited by all the rumors about my new muse, Sarah Palin!

The Republicans are definitely getting my vote now. Too. Effing. Fabulous. For. WORDS!

EDIT:
Day-um, gurl! Palin's Wiki Page has EXPLODED! since the announcement. When I last linked to it, it was so empty.

And fear not, Dazz-lets. Palin, too, is a Friend of Dorothy and has done more for us gays than Obama himself:

She opposes same-sex marriage, but has said she has gay friends. [...]
Palin's first veto was used to kill a bill that would have barred the state from granting benefits to the partners of gay state employees, after she determined from Alaska's attorney general that it was unconstitutional.

Mind, the Wiki has been modified to say "which she was AGAINST DOING!" on all of this pro-gay stuff, but that's Republican pandering. We know a homegirl that hot has a gay stylist and giggles with him over Gilmore Girls reruns on the WB.

Hott.

Review-o-Rama: TL;DR edition tomorrow.

2008-08-27T20:27:00.001-07:00

Reviews coming tomorrow.

One word:

TL;DR.

Things that make you cry.

2008-08-26T20:57:00.001-07:00

This video.

Absolutely inspiring. God.

Dazzler = showing off skin

2008-08-24T17:49:00.001-07:00

I don't have any major problems with the new Dazzler outfit--it has silver in it, so that's a plus unto itself. BUT... Dazz should show some skin. Light radiates from her body (her pores leak light?) so she should never be covered up head to toe. So I did a little recolor of Dazz from the Uncanny X-Men #504 cover!

It's probably a tad...trashy...with her boobs almost hanging out the bottom. But I miss the days of Dazz cleavage when she was wearing her old silver jumpsuit. And I love it when heroines expose a little boobage--this is why Kylie's hooded white jumpsuit from the Can't Get You Out Of My Head video will always have a special place in my heart. Kylie's boobs were just a jigglin' & janglin' in that video and it was hot. Now, maybe a heroine having her boobs just chillin' on their own with no support wouldn't make a whole lot of logical sense...but...I think readers can suspend their disbelief for the sake of Dazz having a HOT costume. Right?

Wow, did I seriously just go on a tangent about boobs? I think I did. Hmm. Needless to say if I were straight it's a safe bet I'd be a titty man.

Sarah Palin!

2008-08-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

Politics time!

Whatever. Since apparently the Democrats really want to lose this year by putting up the ever lulzy Joe Biden from Dela-WHERE?! as Obama's running mate instead of the illustrious and divasparkling Hillary Clinton, I'm gonna take a look at what type of fabulosity we can inject into the *urk!* Republicans this year.

I've found my muse:

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Homegirl is hot. She has a hairdo like Karen Walker and is as friendly to the gays as a Republican gets -- she finally signed same-sex domestic partnership rights into law, and vetoed a permanent ban on same-sex couple rights in the state.

Yeah, she's pro-life, but homegirl eats moose burgers! Count me in.

Read about Sarah Palin via Wiki.

I know that McCain won't appeal to my instinctive reflexes for this sort of fabulousness -- and will, like, pick *urk!* Mitt Romney or some wack -- but homegirl here is the fiercest a Republican woman can get.

'Cause you waxzlyauzz be bad!

2008-08-23T06:39:00.001-07:00

Ben is going to choke me if I don't post something, but I'm having serious brain farts. I blame it on the blond hair. Or laziness. It's one of the two.

Anyway, I will find any and every excuse to post the following video. It's just one of those things you have to see. Amy Winehouse. At her most shitfaced. Performing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" with Charlotte Church. It is not Dazzler related. It is not Kylie related. BUT...it is LILA CHENEY related. If Kylie Minogue is the real world version of Dazzler, then Amy Winehouse is most certainly the real world version of Lila Cheney.

That's my justification for posting it. To educate readers on one of the most heinous crimes of creation: Lila Cheney. A "hardcore" British rocker chick that's a mutant and a popular singer dreamed up by Ben's favorite creator: Dreamboat CC. Except unlike Dazzler, she sings all across the galaxy, which means she's better and she likes to take advantage of young, innocent, TEENAGE Southern boys. Anyway, watch the real-world Lila Cheney incoherently stumble through this classic Michael Jackson hit--and at one point almost choke on her own saliva when she cocks her head back.

So watch & enjoy. Oh--and the title will make sense once you get to the 1:25 mark ;-)

DAZZLER SIGHTING!!!!

2008-08-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

It's the Diva of my Dreams! It's none other than... the DAZZLER!

Homegirl needs to appear more, and appear less in that damn fugly outfit.

HOWEVER. Per the Fan Expo ~~Obama~~ Canada, there will be a X-Men/Spider-Man mini with the hottt-Teee known as Dazzler on the cover of issue #2!

Spread the divine gay prophecy!

Here's the link to the whole mess.

Marvel should steal this idea!

2008-08-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

Take note, Marvel! This awesome short story by Bakla, aka George Gozum -- The Trial of Tessa! -- is totally fit to print!

Jeff Parker needs to get on-board the Tessie-Jo Train and start writing some S.A.G.E. origins, featuring Tessie-Jo! I mean it. This would be so LOL it would hurt. I can already see the spittle flying from Dreamboat CC's mouth over this brilliant satire.

Read THE TRIAL OF TESSA! here and be absolutely one hundred percent amazed.

I can never get enough of this.

Reggie Aqui is my future ex-husband

2008-08-22T16:24:00.001-07:00

I've been spending WAY too much time on the Internet. I am starting to speak in Binary. S.A.G.E. will soon become my only friend. Hit my reboot button!

But I am in adoration with CNN.com Live's anchor Reggie Aqui. I've had CNN.com Live on for hours while I wait for that breaking news about Barack Obama's sleep-inducing NOT-HILLARY CLINTON Vice Presidential pick. Boo. Obama totally wants to lose.

Anyway, that shit is addicting. CNN.com Live wins, because when they have random breaks, they play my favorite club hits. I just heard Rihanna playing. No joke. It's like Reggie, that Anna Paquin look-alike Melissa Long, and the rest of the crew know I'm watching.

... I need to go outside.

Emma Frost/Cyclops SexWatch '08!

2008-08-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

Oh for the love of QWERTY!

I really should just consolidate all of these preview posts, but I really wasn't interested in checking the latest preview for ContinuityWonks Anonymous better known as X-Men: Legacy. But I did. UGH!

Anyway...
Emma Frost and Cyclops have been bumping uglies and talking about sex in just about every comic Marvel publishes nowadays. I can't wait until they start doing it on top of Old Lace in Runaways. I really can't.

So in X-Men: Legacy #WhoCares out next week, we get another great scene with Cyclops and Emma talking about sex -- but at least this time CC's heir Mike Carey improves this sexual continuity by having them discuss doing it in the woods.

X-Men: Legacy can now proudly join the ~~long-recorded~~ two month-long history of Cyclops/Emma sexytimes in Uncanny, Cable, and Astonishing. I'm sure they've done the horizontal mambo on Icarus' grave in Young X-Men by this point, but who even cares about that title?

Kyle & Yost and PAD... hold your ground! REFUSE this heterosexual behemoth enveloping the X-Line!

Wolverine: First Class #6 looks ADORABLE

2008-08-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

In positive news, I'm loving this preview for Wolverine: First Class #6.

Anyone who can make me like Kitty Pryde is a genius. Ergo, Fred Van Lente is a genius.

Rivalry between Kitty and Siryn? Pre-Dumb-chylde Illyana? Sold on multiple levels.

The universe needs more whimsy!

Kylie Party MegaMix!

2008-08-22T10:59:00.001-07:00

Feeling a little under the weather -- but this mix of pretty much every Kylie Minogue hit puts me right back in the mood.

Step Back in Time!

New Exiles #10: So Fauxbulous it HURTS!

2008-08-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

I will make "fauxbulous" happen.

Anygay, Dreamboat CC is going to put out another Eisner Award winning installment of New Exiles next week. I kind of feel bad for my constant harping on Dreamboat. I mean, the guy tries -- at least, I hope he does.

The New Exiles #10 preview looks absolutely stunning. I don't know why Marvel decides to give Claremont a recap page when he will waste two or three of his own pages to recap for you! My Dreamboat doesn't need editors to recap for him -- he has ingeniously created Cat Pryde to do their jobs for them!

I don't see why CC doesn't just make 101001S.A.G.E. and Psylocke the same character. Sage is dominated by Diana Fox (oh, the New Excalibur memories!) resulting in a split personality!

Meanwhile, Psylocke is dominated by Lady Mandarin, resulting in a split personality!

And they both have facial tattoos!

Action AND drama await in a sensational PSYCHIC battle for S.A.G.E.'s SOUL!

For the love of Lois London get someone else on this book and bring back Nocturne or something actually Exiles-y.

Hot shit.

2008-08-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Top 4 Crews. HOTTEST SONG EVAR (for this month).

I am buying a fanny pack. No joke. I'll stuff a copy of Essential Dazzler into it.

an UNCANNY...not so new line-up?

2008-08-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

I had a blog once (well I've had about 3 blogs) but I think I only posted in it once or twice. Hmmm. Well, anyway--that's old shit. New shit is--I get to speak a piece of my mind on Ben's glorius RE-ACTIVATED blog! Yay! I'm very honored and flattered and all that jazz. Anyway--so Ben and I both love Dazzler, we both love Kylie Minogue & we both love dick. The similarities stop there--I'm here to provide a little Southern charm. Ben hates grits, so I think that speaks volumes about him. He also pronounces the "g" in "-ing" words... Sigh, yankees.

Now...my first topic of discussion: the new "core group" that will be gracin' Uncanny X-Men for the forseeable future. Excitin', right? I mean they're movin' to San Fran. There's all these mutant characters ripe for the pickin'. And no Jean Grey or that bullshit flamin' parrot. We're sure to get a GREAT core line-up right?

Wrong.

"The core is Scott, Emma, Wolverine, Storm, Angel, Beast and Nightcrawler. Your main guys are here but then as we extend out from there people can come and go," Fraction explained.

"So what's the big deal?" you ask. Those sound like great characters, right? Yes, you are right. I LOVE me some damn Emma Frost. She's a hot blonde bitch on wheels that can slice and dice with her words. BUT...my problem is: all of these characters except for Nightcrawler are ALREADY appearin' in another monthly book. Cyclops, Emma, Wolverine, Storm & Beast are regulars in Astonishing X-Men. Storm is also a regular in the abysmal-what-the-fuck-are-they-thinkin' Black Panther series. Angel is also appearin' in X-Force. And then of course Cyke, Emma & Wolverine are in every damn book bein' printed at Marvel. So if these characters are already in another monthly title (some in more than two) then WHY must they make up the "core cast" of Uncanny X-Men? A book which has promised us new & excitin' directions?

I could forgive it if maybe three of them were slated as the core cast. Cyke & Emma are the administrator/leaders and they're generally fun to read about. Ok, I can buy them bein' their on the team & directin' them. Storm is an authority figure with a lot of history with different characters. Sure I can buy her there. Angel is havin' some story of duality issue between drop-dead-gorgeous blond "angel" and scary-ass metal winged "archangel." Him bein' in two books could pay off, story-wise. But ALL of them in more than one book? NO. NO. NO. Wolverine is a member of New Avengers, Astonishing X-Men & has like 50 solo books. Why put him in UXM to add to the continuity hell that is his existance?

Where is Colossus who was ressurected in Whedon's awesome Astonishing X-Men run but was just scenery material? Where's th--oh holy fuck, "Give It To Me" just came on my iTunes and that's my most HATED Kylie song ever! ...Ok, "Fragile," that's better. Anyway... where is Karma, the most criminally underused lesbian in comic book existance? Where's DAZZLER, the character they've been hypin' in every interview as returnin' in UXM #501 (which she DID NOT) and whose fans suffered through a dyke doppelganger in Claremont's horrid shit stain of a book, New Excalibur? Where is my Southern home-boy Cannonball?

These are characters who could finally have a chance to shine with the new direction and focus of the book. But instead they are sidelined, as per usual, to continue to spotlight the same...damn...mutants...over & over. The interview goes on to state that the book will have a rotatin' cast of characters. That's hopeful, even excitin' to a degree. But let's face it. "Core characters" means "CORE" character. Characters that will appear in every issue, gettin' the most panel time & story focus. After bein' mislead for months about Dazzler appearin' in UXM #501 (in & out of interviews) does this mean that the promise of a rotatin' cast will actually mean guest cameos every 10 issues? Is that what the new direction will consist of?

I think Fraction & Brubaker are great writers. I enjoyed UXM #500 & UXM #501 (Ben has ordered a fatwa on me). But a lot of the excitement I was experiencin' when the new creative team & new direction were announced has quickly faded. And judgin' by the thread devoted to said interview at CBR, I'm not the only one. The initial premise and indication that fan favorites long mistreated and under-utilized would finally get some space was awesome. Now the script has flipped and we're gettin' ONE character that's under-used on the core cast. Everyone else "will show up when needed." Likely for one issue out of twenty?

There is a glimmer of hope though. Fraction did not mention Pixie in the core cast. But we KNOW she will be a big focus of the book and she's depicted on numerous covers. Colossus was also not mentioned, but has been appearin' in the book and on covers. There is hope yet for Cannonball, Dazzler & Karma. MAYBE, just maybe... we will be pleasantly surpised. I'm still pissed Wolverine's shag-rugged ass will be in 48 books a month instead of 47 though. And I refuse to be un-pissed about it.

...unless Choi starts drawin' Wolverine in underwear again... Mmm, mmm good. <3 <3 <3

Introducing... TETRAGENE!

2008-08-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

Since he's on more and more, tetragene will become a regular contributor.

He's the mastermind behind the hot Marvel Ultimate Alliance: DAZZLER MOD:

And the Your Disco Needs Dazzler! YouTubes.

Hopefully he'll be adding some DivaSparkle!

DivaSparkle REVIEW: X-Factor One Shot - Layla Miller

2008-08-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

A little less drama, and a little more focus on the positive, si si?

While PAD has been underwhelming me on X-Factor, this Layla Miller One Shot brings PAD back home to my loving arms. No doubts about it, Layla is PAD's best X-Character going right now.

Sadly, she has so little to do in the grand scheme. I need MOAR Layla Miller!

The thing is that the story here in and of itself is not very compelling to me; it simply isn't. Dystopian futures rampant with the "totalitarian government" schtick have never been my thing: it's why I could never get behind Days of Future Past or any of the Bishop-revisionist incarnations of the same idea continued here.

The idea isn't new.

But Layla Miller makes it compelling.

For one, Layla Miller fits perfectly into PAD's strengths as a writer -- PAD loves to tittalize the readers with little historical anecdotes that relate to the current situation. Layla isn't the typical "freedom fighter" archetype (Cable, Bishop), nor is she a PTSD victim (Rachel "UGH!" Summers).

PAD keeps you guessing via the fantastic vehicle of Layla. You don't know why she's doing what she's doing it, and why she's doing it in this backwards, time-loop way. There will be payoff -- I can sense it, with all the tie-ins going on across the X-Line -- and Layla is going to be a central component.

And having her as that center is very, very satisfying.

Art is great; reminiscent of the better X-Factor days under Pablo Raimondi with DeLandro doing the art chores. "Ruby" Summers is a bit of a meh, but overall you leave this comic very much satisfied.

Moar Miller.

B+

Gay Landscapes -- Perry Moore

2008-08-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

Intersting article over at Newsarama with Hero author Perry Moore.

Moore is an out gay author. Check his web site here, and deffo check the link to "Who Cares About a Gay Superhero Anyway?"

Moore gets it.

Hopefully Marvel will.

DivaSparkle DISCUSSION: Uncanny X-Men #501

2008-08-21T06:52:00.001-07:00

On the cover to Uncanny X-Men #501, Greg Land invokes Michelangelo's Pietà, but Pixie representing Christ -- and Cyclops representing the Virgin Mary -- couldn't be further from the reality of the work behind the cover.

Anyhoot, there's a lot going on with this little ol' comic, written by Matt Fraction with an assist from Ed Brubaker. I've been a defender of Brubaker's Uncanny for quite some time, and even wrote a kitschy love letter to him some time ago. I'm too lazy to find the link. The internet is a big place. But I do have 51 Reasons to Love Martinique handy.

I'd point to the old DivaSparkles Activate posts on Uncanny, but since that's long gone -- and now we're RE-activating -- it's neither here nor there.

So now it's going around the blogosphere that a queer kid was gay-bashed in this issue.

He was, no doubt about it. This Dazzler-loving, fairy-friended, San Francisco-living kid was gay and was bashed for being gay.

Brian Cronin asks his readers on his blog in regards to this scene: are you a textualist or intentionalist?

I have always been an intentionalist by this metric. Any of my rantings about Dreamboat CC attest to this; hell, it's led to some of the best photochoppings of the implicit Lesbian Love between Dazzler and Nocturne in New Excalibur.

If you only want to read the text as-is, you become an apologist for Chris Claremont (Storm is NOT a LESBIAN! That is not BDSM! It never said so on the page!), or you become a super-fan of Mike Carey's continuitywonk fanwank in X-Men: Legacy.

To tie this back into #501:

What happened was a gay bashing. And, to my eye, it was done in poor taste to do nothing but piss off the X-Men. Utilizing gay characters to propel their straight counterparts to action has been documented by Flaneur with aplomb here. It's not about the victim of abuse, but about how their tragedy reflects on others who don't, and haven't, experienced it.

When you turn this:

Into a reaction for Cyclops like this:

... you take your eyes off the ball. This scene shouldn't be about Cyclops getting his hard-on for revenge. Pixie and her friend, yes. Cyclops? I know that Marvel wants us to LOVE Cyclops and his bad-assery in just about every comic up and down the line, but this wasn't the place or time.

In short, the scene lost any and all potency and became nothing more than showcasing a visceral attack for the opportunity to have Cyclops grow from it. Not Pixie, not her gay friend -- not the victims, but rather the "heroes" that have not experienced it and only can via association.

It makes you want to roll your eyes straight out of your head. And no, straight isn't a pun.

I doubt that anyone at Marvel expected this to invoke such a reaction; after all, it's a throwaway character in a few panels re-creating a common motif in practically all comics:

"Innocents get hurt by villains. Heroes seek revenge to protect innocents."

But we aren't living in the metaphorical world of Chris Claremont's gilded age anymore, where metaphors are king and everything is left to the wild eye of interpretation. When we can have -- in the same comic -- two (heterosexual) characters having sex, and a man willingly restraining himself to the wall to be beat by a BDSM villainness (ah, women being empowered through sex -- another discussion for another day), but lack the temerity to identify this clearly for what it is -- gay-bashing -- there's something rotten in the State of Denmark.

Do I find this scene typical male chest-beating/homophobic as I did with Bishop over in Cable?. No. I definitely do not find either Matt Fraction or Ed Brubaker to be homophobic, nor do I find this scene in Uncanny to be.

To call someone out as homophobic is a terrible charge, and should never be used lightly. Showcasing a gay-bashing in and of itself is not a homophobic act. However, to not call a spade a spade, and -- to a greater extent -- utilizing the tragedy only as a means to strengthen/embolden the resolve of other actors in the story undercuts any message you may have wanted to send.

It's definitely something to talk about. It's an issue with comics as a whole -- especially in an industry where we get Cable, Ghost Rider, Black Panther, and 45 Wolverine-themed titles, and what to the gays get? The Hellcat mini? -- and it's something worth discussing.

But calling the creators homophobic is not a part of that, nor should it be.

The new direction in Uncanny X-Men, coupled with the setting and some of the secondary actors promised, could open up whole new venues.

This issue? This scene? All I read in it is tragically more of the same: Emma's still on top, there's Claremontian BDSM, and then there's the creating and thrashing a throwaway gay character and his fairy friend so that Cyclops can continue to be molded into the AWESOME TACTICIAN AND FEARLESS LEADER that Marvel wants him to be.

On the other hand, some of us consumers would like to try something a little different.

There's a lot of work that needs to be done with Uncanny.

Re-ACTIVATE!

2008-08-20T14:45:00.001-07:00

After a short bout of emo drama, DivaSparkles has been RE-Activated.

For fun, visit Brian Cronin over at Comics Should be Good. Wee!

New blog, NEW M.O., same old address. And I'm back to the fugly look. Whatever. That can be corrected.

Check for more soon!

~Novaya