BINGO!!!! You get your wish! ~*DIVASPARKLE RANT*~

lol fuck you, Bingo!

I'll post this because I love to be a comics pariah and to testify in front of ~*GOD AND EVERYONE*~. It's so real. So fierce. So Catholic.

So here it is:

X-Men comics fucking SUCK. They DO! And not inherently or anything -- they do by choice. Or, rather, the choice of authors. Who in God's sweet nectarine name can screw up such an UN-SCREWABLE FRANCHISE so badly? Matt Fraction, Mike Carey, Duane Swiercynzski, and Peter David -- that's who.

Aw, fuck that. It's not their fault. Blame Joe Quesada, Axel Alonso, Nick Lowe, and any other disgusting cheesy chod (no, not the Starjammer) that infects syphilis into this line of comics.

The problem comes into two pitfalls:

- The EGO
- The cumdumpster

Two IMPORTANT archetypes (thankfully, for us, Matt Fraction is both the ego and the cumdumpster) that define this fucking line. And it kills it.

Peter David is the EGO. He is such a Dreamboat CC-esque prima donna and believes his tenure entitles him to elegant alleluias to the Heavens. Alleluia is Christian, ps. FO, PAD. PAD thinks he just gets it, and while he does at times (cuz early post M-Day X-Factor was AMAZING) he's not some magical force that shits down Dorothy Gale's Yellow Brick Road to Oz.

PAD is a CC with a limited canon: Jamie Madrox. He is so desperate to make that shit happen, even though that shit's stock has sunk like AIG. Plus he has that fucking writing tic of having scenes transist between characters... you know what I mean? It's like...

Char 1, Scene 1: "I dunno. Right now! I'm gonna explode! It's like my head is about to go..."

Char 2, Scene 2: "... BOOOOM! Ha, I scared you Chelsie! ROFL!"

Y'know. Shit like that. Cute for a hot few issues, then like, OK NEW DEVICE PLZ. You're not a wordsmith because you can pun it out all day.

~

Mike Carey is the cumdumpster. He's a repository for a lot of bullshit fanwank and then tries to thread it together while everyone suddenly becomes desperate to go to the LIBRARY (like, rly, who does anymore? Carey is such an Arts advocate) to borrow a copy of War and Peace.

Y'know those bitches in your life that should start with a wooden block puzzle of the United States (even those just grouped into 5 pieces by region) but instead try to build the 3D PUZZLE OF THE ANGKOR WAT? That is Mike Carey.

THIS BITCH referenced Petra and Sway! He will throw any shit out in hopes it will stick and build his "cred" with the "nerds." ANYTHING. This is the consummate "cumdumpster." ContinuityWonkage blows.

~

MATT FRACTION is an elegant concoction of both: The Egotistical Cumdumpster. Now, in some circles, we call these "Guidos" (ugh, so trashyhot, ps). However, Matt Fraction is a fucking hipster, so he is not trashyhot.

Fraction thinks he's so fucking META and INTELLECTUAL (I am pleased he took a class on environmental justice for his undergraduate Communications degree), so he has an EGO. He is so fresh and SO clean and SO revolutionary, and, like, bullshit. Fraction reads like one of those trustfund babies ("Screw you, mom and dad! I'm not going to Yale on legacy! Fuck that I'm writing COMICS!") who willingly chooses to live in a shitty apartment, ride a shitty fixed-gear bike, eat shitty food (it's fucking CARBON NEUTRAL, MAAAAAAAN!) even when he could choose to lampoon me with a custom made spear out of the bones of Indonesian infants and solid Platinum. Gross.

But he's also a CUMDUMPSTER. Fraction thinks if he infuses his 1974 stoner mindset to the X-Men + couple it with RANDOM CAMEOS FROM EVERYONE!!! = PROFIT!!! No. LIE.

Part of fandom is enjoying sacred cows getting crushed. People LOVE Morrison because he LOLBANNED Jean Grey and made Emma Frost kick that bitch in the vag. People kinda LOVE Brubaker (at least I do) for puting that SPACE HOOKER RACHEL GREY BACK INTO SPACE BECAUSE SHE IS WORTHLESS. People loved Claremont for trolling me with New Excalibur DykeDazzler. Circle. of. life.

But Fraction wants to mamby-pamby everyone ("find the peeeeace, man! smoke a j, and let's talk about the EVIL of CAPITALISM which, like, pays me and shit!") and it's sick pandering. SICK. People know when they're being played. Except straight dudes, because they're fucking stupid. Which accounts for those that say "Uncanny is good!" No woman or gay man argues this point. Find me one.

~

POINT IS, the X-Books suck, and it's because of ego and cumdumpster fanwank. I guess part and parcel of it is fucking CIRCLE JERK CHEST BEATING STRAIGHT BREEDER UGH but that's another point for another day and I've given my thoughts on sexism before.

Fucking learn to write, assholes. I like CC more than you, because even if bitch is crazy and into S&M, at least he only involves 8 characters and I get to LOL at all the ways Storm is pwnt.

FUCKING LEARN.

Oh, and, Fraction? Please ban "As you wish" from your vocab -- but only AFTER you say it aloud in agreeance with my constructive criticisms in an effort to amend your hipster work.

Peter David is Elegant.

Did you ever hear of "Scans Daily"?

I had. Peter David -- writer of (ugh~! FIE!) LONGSHOT!!!! -- had not. An old man that bitches about the evils of the Internet acknowledges he didn't know about a part of it. Color me seven shades of dazzled.

Oh, PAD. You put the "ass" in "class." Your glamor shines down from the heavens, basking the shrinking, male-centric comic world in your divine, heavenly light. I feel a slight tingle every time you abuse your keyboard, driving your special brand of back-handed snark gently blended with sweet reveries of my eternal Catholic guilt. There is no cross too small upon which you can crucify yourself, whining about the terrible, God-awful, tragic force of the Internet.

I care not about the demise of Scans Daily. Scans Daily was way too much for me to ever process. There were like, a billion links and comments and all sorts of shit that made it all so confusing for my simple mind. And they'd talk about comics, like, for srs. Was Lois London ever featured on Scans Daily? I dunno; if she was then this would be a crime of the highest order, but truly? I care not, for I am not invested. Blind eye and all that.

But what I care more about is Peter David's special brand of egotistical "O' WOE AM I! THE OPPRESSED (you just know he would make the "ed" it's own syllable in over-dramatic fashion) ARTISTE!" disguised as a "very serious debate" about the "very serious matter" of copyright infringement!!!!11!

Nah, it's not about copyright. It's about PAD wanting to use whatever argument he can find to make sure everyone understands his greatness. Silence the criticisms! Silence! Everyone is just so critical! Internet fans are terrible! Internet fans are destroying sales on my books! Internet fans destroy the magic!

Yeah, and the fucking Nintendo DS, cell phones, PDAs, blackberries, and iPods also have destroyed the magic and wonder of community events, family game nights, children frolicking through the forests, and dinners 'round the dining room table, too. The Net is here, it's queer, get used to it, PAD. I'm sure somewhere on the vile internet you can find "fan art" of the Multiple Man gang-banging Siryn, too. DID YOU KNOW? ALERT THE LEGAL TEAMS!

So now the discussion has warped into "Copyright Infringement" and PAD's "I didn't do anything! Oh, fine! Make me a scapegoat." Put a pie in it, PAD.

Let's look at PAD's history of elegance about how Internet fans DESTROY HIS GREATNESS!:

--- On "Detailed, wonky summaries RUINING THE JOY! instead of basically being tl;dr":

Because every single reader deserves to enjoy the story in the way it's intended.

You don't understand: This has far less to do with sales than it does with simple enjoyment.

Let me put it to you another way:

Did someone ever ask you to tell them about something that happened to someone else, and you demurred by saying, "It's not my story to tell."

X-Factor #39, 40, 41...it's not your story to tell. It's your story to enjoy. That's what your money buys you. It's your story to enjoy. Every one of those few hundred or few thousand, it's their story to enjoy.

It's MY story to tell. And, no offense, but the odds are spectacular that I'm going to tell it better than you will, because that's what I'm paid to do. So I would really, really like everyone who pays their hard-earned money to get their money's worth through a story told to the best of MY ability, not to the best of the ability of a guy signing himself Skippy123. Because I think that anyone who buys comics these days deserves the best I have to offer.

And if someone has a problem with that--if you think it elitist or snotty or benighted or what have you--I totally understand. Me...I just think it's simple, common courtesy.

PAD

--- On "Detailed, wonky summaries (all text) now being a BREACH OF COPYRIGHT!!!1":


That's as may be. But it was also a site where people said, "This happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and oh my God, this happened at the end," complete with reproduction of same that were far in excess of fair use.

That's not a review.

--- An engaging tete-a-tete in which someone criticizing PAD on the internet is JUST RUDE!!! Teardrops!:

Random Commenter: "Which is really unfortunate. As others have noted, that community has mostly been a place to celebrate and discuss comics, including your own (dear lord, but they love YOUNG JUSTICE)"

Elegant PAD: That's interesting. The only person who spoke to me about YJ was a woman who couldn't say enough nasty things about it, and repeatedly stated that it was proof that I was dismissive of teenagers and knew nothing about them. She also said the addition of the girls was merely an afterthought and that my treatment of the boys never rose above the level of Beavis and Butthead.

Perhaps I wandered into the bizarre Scans community.

PAD

--- On "Internet critics ruining his art by misrepresenting its inherent greatness!"

The thing that's really killing [writers and the comic industry] are biased and inaccurate summaries that make the stories sound as unappealing as possible. There are times where I literally don't recognize the story I wrote. And fans then treat such crappy summaries as if they're accurate and render judgment on the issue without having read a single panel.

--- And now, the goup de grace: "I DID NO WRONG! But fine! PERSECUTE ME!" Lolz!!!!:

Well, again, I think the fans who posted links to [Scans Daily] on other websites had far more to do with it [being shut down]. But I've little doubt I'll take the hit regardless of the reality.

~!~!~!~!~!END OF PAD'S ELEGANT QUOTES~!


CONCLUSIONS: Peter David is little more than someone with an ego as quick to bruise as a rotten apple. Climbing upon his mighty cross, PAD speaks for the "unspoken masses" (translation: imaginary persons) whom he defends from the horrors that are detailed summaries, random page scans, and harsh!!! internet critics that "kill [him] with biased and inaccurate summaries". LOL! OH MY SPLEEN!

But instead of calling him to task on his bullshit, people are feeding into his martyr-complex with formalities such as "Mr. David, please understand..." or "I would really like to convey..." or "Perchance I may be allowed the privilege of sniffing your ass to acquire a gentle, elegant high from thine Holy fumes."

Just as PAD the Elegant wants to cry on about the intolerable cruelty of Internet critics STEALING HIS WORK and MIS-REPRESENTING HIS STORIES or RUINING THEM FOR THE VAST IMAGINARY POPULACE OF INTERNET POSTERS WHO DO NOT WANT ANY DETAILS ABOUT AN ISSUE OF A SERIAL COMIC, said "Internet Critics" should flip the deck and cry on about the intolerable cruelty of Peter David being a massive, petulant blowhard who cannot grasp the fundamentals of the Internet age.

That's what this is about. Not copyright.

Peter David is Elegant. And adding Longshot to X-Factor was brilliant. No, really. I enjoyed it just as you intended me to: by droppin' yo damn book.

Thank God for Artists

I have returned! Since it is glorious Fat Tuesday, my new Lenten vow is to post some damn more. And since Uncanny X-Men wishes to become my new enemy, it's time to DivaSparkle! this hot freakin' mess.

OBSERVE THE IMAGE!



"Thank God for Artists." I have edited this image to exemplify exactly how Uncanny X-Men truly is, because this cover as-is -- including Dazzler and Pixie -- simply does not reflect the truth.

Short point: Matt Fraction can't write female characters for beans, and more to this short point, he seems as though he has no interest in doing so. So what does Marvel do with their one comic property that is well known for its women? Why insert them into random covers and promo art, of course!

Fuck that. Fuck it, fuck it hard, fuck it raw, and fuck it until it begs for you to stop the pain.

Uncanny X-Men has been nothing more than a circle-jerk male fantasy escape, wherein the biggest concern for the women is "OMG DOES CYCLOPS WANT TO BANG ME?! CIRCLE ONE: Y/N!!!" We get it, Marvel. The one-eyed monster known as Cyclops (FREUD!) is the king of his domain (SEINFELD!) and rules all the X-Concubines beneath him (COMICS!). Can we stop with this fuckery yet, or must we constantly get the fan-teases of all the beautiful X-Women on the X-Plantation that "someday they'll do something relevant!" while all we get is the constant Emma Frost/Cyclops babymama drama?

I'm at the brink with this. The X-Franchise was built upon "Claremazons" -- the "supra-powerful woman" -- and that's where its popularity lies. But NuMarvel has since decided that the true way of the future (and sales!) is letting all pimply-faced boys in their parents' basements understand:

- If you ever feel as though you are a hideous cat-like freak of nature, you will be an invaluable asset and be included in every decision-making process because of your superior intellect (BEAST).

- If you are acquaintances with a 'roided-up Slavic muscle queen, you have no worries: he will be too busy banging underage "good Jewish girls" while saving nubile blond women from horrible sexual exploitation (irony, thy name is COLOSSUS). And if you are said 'roid-queen? Then you score that hot, dirty, risque poon-pie.

- If you are a handicapped dork with a teenaged nickname like "Slim" you will one day become the premier tactical mind of your peers, proving to be an invaluable asset, and make all busty women silently sitting in the background follow your every command (CYCLOPS).

- If you have a wealthy, attractive, successful friend, he will never use his means of finances to take advantage of you or use it to score hot chicks. No. He's content being your neverending ATM, as he allows you to use him for his vast wealth (ANGEL).

- If you know a strong, successful woman who founded many of her own institutions and once had her own legion of followers, you will one day tame her as her personality slowly gravitates exclusively around your own orbit as she simultaneously wears less and less clothing (EMMA FROST).

- If you know a strong, successful, independent woman who did not get sucked in as the example above, that bitch will just sit in the background and wait for your divine hand to instruct her (STORM, DAZZLER, KARMA, ANYONE ELSE).

Capice?

Uncanny has rather quickly devolved into everything stereotypically wrong with comics on a gender scale. It's annoying, it's juvenile, it's without any redeeming entertainment and merit. Women no longer exist in the universe of Uncanny X-Men, unless they are the fawning playthings of the nerdy male fantasy ideal.

Unless an artist draws them in in a promo piece doing something important.

Thank God for artists. At least they try.

OMG! Dazzler in the WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN CARTOON!

Look, bitches!

There's a scene in the Wolverine and the X-Men Cartoon aboard a ship. In a different shot, you can clearly see Pixie standing next to a hott blonde in earmuffs.

Closer face-shot?



BAM! DAZZLER!

That's right, y'all! And the episode ends with Mojo and Spiral appearing.

Give me some DISCO FABULOUS Craig & Kyle!

Sarah Palin: America's Greatest New Internet Meme!

Sarah Palin, as envisioned by Dreamboat CC.

Hear me out, HATERZ! I can't help that I'm in lust with Sarah Palin, but now she's an Internets meme phenomenon! Total lulz.

Some examples of Little Known Facts about Sarah Palin:

"Sarah Palin is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
"There is no 'ctrl' button on Sarah Palin's computer. Sarah Palin is always in control."
"Sarah Palin once won a competitive eating contest by devouring three live caribou."

It's on Twitter if you want to make your own Little Known Facts. Just preface your entry with "Little known fact:" and then your fact and it'll post there. Twitter is totally gay, but I just LOLOL reading these.

Memes rock. Experience it before it's hella old.

Goddess Kylie returning to N. America?

Now that Kylie has confirmed South American tour dates for her smash hit X2008 concert via her official website, the Kylie forums are abuzz that the beloved pop diva will be gracing North America again.

The USA/Canada Ticketmaster website recently created a placeholder for Kylie X2008. Which is as good a sign as any that Kylie will be bringing one of her concerts over to North America FINALLY! How is it a good sign? Well--Ticketmaster won't, generally, put up a placeholder for a tour if it's not intended on coming to the US/Canada. They didn't for her Showgirl or Homecoming tours. So... A & B would naturally lead to C! :D

There's also been some news on Kylie planning to wipe the slate clean in regards to her USA promo stint and give it a total rework with "The One." Word is that homegirl 'aint playin' games anymore. I will post about this later--and then wax poetic about the song...which is one of my ABSOLUTE favorite Kylie tracks in existence.

**image courtesy of Ellecktrika, the Queen Bee when it comes to Kylie media & info

AHHH!!! It IS Sarah PALIN!!!

I couldn't review last night because I was too excited by all the rumors about my new muse, Sarah Palin!



The Republicans are definitely getting my vote now. Too. Effing. Fabulous. For. WORDS!

EDIT:
Day-um, gurl! Palin's Wiki Page has EXPLODED! since the announcement. When I last linked to it, it was so empty.

And fear not, Dazz-lets. Palin, too, is a Friend of Dorothy and has done more for us gays than Obama himself:

She opposes same-sex marriage, but has said she has gay friends. [...]
Palin's first veto was used to kill a bill that would have barred the state from granting benefits to the partners of gay state employees, after she determined from Alaska's attorney general that it was unconstitutional.

Mind, the Wiki has been modified to say "which she was AGAINST DOING!" on all of this pro-gay stuff, but that's Republican pandering. We know a homegirl that hot has a gay stylist and giggles with him over Gilmore Girls reruns on the WB.

Hott.